I've talked to a lot of homeschool moms and without fail, they always express the fear of screwing up. We tend to be plagued with fears and worries about college preparedness, life preparedness and basic skills. On a bad day, or night, the "what if" questions stalk us like a dementor in a dark alley. We can feel their cold reality pressing in on us.
I delayed my children's standardized testing for two years when they were young out of fear of what the test would say. I agonized over them. Turned out the tests showed my kids were either on grade level or ahead. There were no surprises. I knew they struggled in spelling and the test showed it. I thought their science was okay and they tested at least two grade levels ahead. The test gave me concrete proof of our strengths and weaknesses. It also showed me where we needed to focus more.
As my kids grew, I realized we were passing were I was comfortable in science. By seventh grade, I was burned out and not interested. I'm sorry to say that we passed the entire school year only touching on science briefly and shallowly. The following year, God sent help.
My sister is a science buff. She loves dissecting, identifying and learning about all things science related. I, on the other hand, am a huge history buff. It fascinates and captures me. My sister, Kim, loves to hear me talk about history but cares nothing for researching it and teaching it. We decided to combine our Wonder Twin powers and formed a co-op along with our great friend, Missy. Now all our bases are covered. My kids are scoring higher in science; my nephew is loving history. I don't slack off during the year because other people are depending on me too.*(the pic to the right is of our little co-op)
My two olders are weak in writing. My fear was that, somehow, I was the only one in my circle who was deficient in this area. Imagine my surprise when a friend of mine approached me about forming a grammar/writing co-op for our high school students! Perfect. This year we will meet once a week and co-operate in teaching our kids college level writing skills.
It is so easy to allow my fear and shame to paralyze me into inactivity. I don't want all those other, really amazingly smart homeschool moms to know how bad I suck at teaching English. I want to be self-sufficient and autonomous. I want to do it myself. ... hmmm. That sounds familiar. Like, maybe, in the Garden?
My heart is deceitful and wicked. To ask others for help is humbling and my flesh protests. No, protest is too soft a word. My flesh screams and kicks and makes excuses. I ignore, justify and worst of all, try harder to do better. That's the one that kills me. I seek to find my worth and identity in how smart/educated/knowledgeable my children are. I forget who saves me.
I am not the hero of this story; Christ is. I do not determine my children's paths; he does. Psalm 37:23 says that a man's steps are ordered by the Lord. Not their mother, no matter how well intentioned. When I don't ask for help, I have to ask myself why. Is it to protect my reputation? Am I finding my worth in my ability? I have to fight to remember who I am. I am no longer the orphan fighting for my next meal; I am a daughter of the King. He has clothed me in His son's righteousness. He cannot love me any more than he already does. I am chosen, loved, forgiven and made right.
If I am completely righteous, I can admit my weakness. It no longer identifies me. Therefore, accountability is an invitation for the gospel to work in my heart and in the hearts of my children.
I am blessed to be held accountable by a God who delights in me and by friends who aren't surprised by my failures. If you don't have friends like that, begin praying now for God to send you some. And when they come, be ready. Accountability will shake your life up... in a wonderful way!
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